Teaching Eli to sparkle

In return for learning some mad ninja skillz, Johnny taught Eli some of that special sparkle and charm that Johnny has. So Johnny figures that Eli can be taught the same basic way that Joe Barclay learned the trick.

Except taking Eli into bars to pick up guys would be almost like shooting fish in a barrel with an automatic shotgun. Way too easy and she wouldn’t learn anything about the Discipline, even if she did have a good time doing it. So Johnny figured it had to be tougher than that. Now, Johnny does have to say it was really fuckin’ enjoyable to watch Eli and Johnny did have to find some coed and take care of business every night after watching it all, but Johnny really did think it was the best way for her to learn, not just for Johnny to get his rocks off.

So Johnny decides that Eli has got to do exactly what Barclay did. Which was to pick up a straight woman in a bar and score the digits. And this time, Johnny would be listening in making sure Eli wasn’t doing the whole friends thing.

Eli kinda looked at Johnny all weird at first and Johnny figures she thought Johnny was doing it for Johnny’s own enjoyment. But after Johnny said that Barclay had to do the same thing, she agreed.

So we wander down to one of the bars down in Newport . Figure it shouldn’t be too hard, since those places tend to have college girls, or girls recently out of college and they tend to be kind of experimental, you know? Willing to try new things and Eli is more than hot enough for a bi-curious sorority girl to say “what the hell?” right?

Not that night. She got all kinds of weird looks, a few boyfriends either threatened her or tried to convince her to go for a three-way (not that the girlfriends seemed happy with their boyfriends when that got brought up) and even got slapped by one bitch around closing time. So it was back to basics.

The next night it was another bar and things seemed to go better. No one got slapped, but the only digits were from some chick that just wanted to be friends. Sorry, not good enough.

The next night we bailed on the beach bars in Newport and went and hit the Yardhouse up in Long Beach . You know, Jenning’s place. Wanted to see if that dillweed was around and of course, he wasn’t. So Johnny set Eli to work on those 30 and 40 somethings, the professional women looking to blow off steam. Holy shit, Eli was like fuckin’ catnip. She had women hitting on her, but that wasn’t the point. She eventually struck up a conversation at the bar with this 30-something that looked like she’d come straight from work for happy hour and just happened to stay. She was with friends and had a wedding ring on. Hot little blonde number. So they talk, and Johnny can hear it’s going exactly how it’s supposed to. Then Eli goes for it, goes for the trick, pops the Awe and suddenly the little blonde is ready to go. They disappeared into the bathroom for a couple of minutes and Eli comes back to Johnny, leaving the blonde in the bathroom.

Eli has got this grin like the cat got the canary and she hands Johnny this little green thong and there’s numbers on them. She won’t fuckin’ say if she did or didn’t do anything to the blonde, just smiles and shrugs and Johnny, and we don’t stick around long enough for her to finally leave the bathroom. But little Eli got it and she got it a lot quicker than Barclay did.

Lot more fun to watch too.

Weird and Wyld Halloween

Why is it that the weirdest shit happens around Halloween?

Fighting ancient Celtic cults and spirits you can’t actually touch is not my idea of a rockin’ Halloween. Damn. Missed out on all kinds of hotties and tramps and sluts and whores because Johnny had to fights this shit with Alexander Worthington (damn is he nearly useless for anything but going crazy), Lucien Heisenrich or whatever the wizard’s last name is, Sharky (ain’t seen him in a while) and the Gangrel terrorist himself, Joe Barclay.

Ain’t bad guys (except maybe for Lucien, still not sold on him), but there ain’t a pussy among them and they sure as hell would look like shit wearing a bustier.

So anyway, Johnny was just taught some of that ninja-like Obfuscate by Eli Keenan. She’s that Assamite Anarch out in Baltimore , but she tends to wander some and ain’t exactly a stranger to SoCal. She still won’t teach the real Assamite ninja skills, but hey, maybe given enough time she will. Or if Johnny can come up with an offer she can’t refuse.

So we went off to Johnny’s new warehouse, the one that the rest of the Anarchs don’t yet know about. Lots of boxes and crates and shadows and shit. And the next few nights she taught Johnny how to get real still and real quiet and just blend into the shadows. Gotta stay still or the shadows, like, go away somehow, or if Johnny makes a noise, but it is pretty damn cool.

No, it’s not like the shadows wrap around or nothin’. Not like a Lasombra thing. It’s different than that. It’s more like, what, a cloaking device, like the Predator had.

It’s pretty damn cool. Gonna try to get Eli to teach Johnny the next step, how to actually move around like the Predator. Then Johnny would be on his way to being a ninja. Johnny is already the Drunken Monkey kung fu master. Working on being all samurai with the swords and sai and shit. Now Johnny is also on his way to being a ninja. Fuckin’ Awesome.

Some babes for Halloween

Somewhere along the line, Halloween for chicks became about dressing like the slut you couldn't be in real life. And recently, it's become about, for one night only, being that slut you secretly wish you could be but can't.

God but it's a great night to have a cock!

Off to see the wizard...

Okay.

So Johnny got mind-fucked more than a few times in the big thing to deal with or kill Hertzog. Oh, yeah. Hertzog was breaking the Masquerade and trying to get us to kill mortals and shit like that. So Simon, Uncle Remus, the Oracle, Warren Peace and Johnny went to Disneyland to stake or kill 'im. Yeah, Disneyland. Turns out his lair was under the damn Matterhorn ride. And it turns out he was a skin-rider because his actual body was that of a baby. WTF?

Anyway, Johnny was able to find a few teachers to teach Johnny Iron Heart. It'll help keep bastards out of Johnny's head. The problem is, Johnny has to go to Cyprus and learn it from Jacen Pompeii. Yeah, that dude. Archon Pompeii. Killer of children and slayer of shovelheads, the man that puts fear into the hearts of virtually every neonate out there.

He wants to talk history, he wants to be brought up to date on current events and trends. And he wants to teach Johnny Iron Heart.

So, uh, yeah. If Johnny don't make it to the New Year, you might know why.

What It Means To Be Brujah

Johnny was asked to write down what it means to be a Brujah. First off, who the hell is stupid enough to ask Johnny to *write* this shit down? And two, who really cares what Johnny has to say about Clan Brujah? It's not like Johnny is one of the shining lights of the clan. There's a bunch more Brujah out there that gotta says better things and say them better. Anyway, here's what Johnny said. (oh, and Johnny can't tell you yet the why and who and all)

**********
So what does it mean to be Brujah? Well now, Johnny didn’t go through no normal accounting like lap-dog Camarilla Brujah, so Johnny’s answer is gonna be kinda different.

Let’s get a couple of things right out and taken care of. This warrior-philosopher bullshit? Exactly that, bullshit. There’s too many wannabe philosopher’s runnin’ around claimin’ to know the secrets of Carthage or whatever. In the end, all they end up doin’ is running their mouths and flappin’ their gums and get jack and shit done. That’s the worst part, they don’t get anything done.

On the other side is those damn leather-jacket wearing stereotypes of rage. Dumbasses that can only think of destroying things, never mind what it is. The kind of stereotype that the Venture and Torea-fags use to make fun of us and keep us down. Their worst thing is that their rage isn’t directed, it’s just a wildfire burning out of control.

So what the hell are we? Johnny figures we are somewhere in the middle. We are engines of destruction to be used brutally against injustice. We are all about The Cause, all about fighting for something we believe in. When we get lazy, when the cause we are fighting for is just our comfort or our own material possessions, that’s when we are just Ventrue with cooler clothes. A real Brujah fights for a Cause. Maybe that’s why so many of us are Anarchs, why Johnny is an Anarch. Because fighting for The Movment means Johnny is fighting for something outside of Johnny, bigger than Johnny, that could last longer and do more than Johnny could ever do alone. But if you are Tower, then goddamnit, believe in it. Believe in what you are fighting for. Don’t puss out and just fight against something, but fight FOR something.

That’s what a real Brujah is. Yeah, there’s that stuff about brotherhood and shit, but for Johnny, it all comes down to the fire in our souls and figuring out how to control that fire and use it for your Cause.

The Camarilla is just boring

So Johnny decides to wander on up to the Camarilla gathering last weekend. Partly because Johnny had nothing better to do, partly because Lauren and Bear and a few others are always wandering up there and Johnny thought "Hey, maybe Johnny should go see what the big deal is!"

Goddamn the Cam is boring though.

Not a damn thing happened outside of some weird ass conversations (like, who knew that the LA Brujah Primogen likes to suck blood from fuckin' tampons? And that it is apparently kosher?) and sending the queer Iron John into torpor.

That's it. Not a damn thing else happened.

Johnny is convinced this is why the Cam plays all their fucked up political prestetation games and shit. 'Cause there ain't nothing else going on. Unless you are creating some kind of game, what the fuck is there?

Must be also why so many young licks go Anarch. At least we have shit happening at our rants. At least we do things.

But fuck the Camarilla is boring.

KJs and Iron John

What a fuckin' night.

There was this new guy, a Cam Brujah, name of Iron John, that was dressed like a Village People reject. Leather vest, a "Voting Rocks" t-shirt, a red bow-fucking tie, and actual heavy gauge chains wrapped around his waist and legs. Seriously, he looked totally gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but fuckenaye, do you have to dress like a stereotype? What was worse, was this dipwad basically was rejecting who he was as a Brujah. Refused to give into his passions. Spent his whole unlife, as far as Johnny could tell, trying to control his Beast and his passions. WTF? It's part of being Brujah. It's part of who we are, of what our particular curse is. Accept it, work around it, but don't fuckin' deny it. Best part of it though was Lauren kept tormenting him to see if he would flip out. She even tried to get Barclay to do some Gangrel trick, something about making Joe flip out, but somehow send it to IJ. She licked his face and grabbed his balls; made 'im flip. The Gangrel trick didn't work though. So it was Joe that flipped. But then IJ told 'im to calm down and he did. Sheer force of personality. The biggest problem Johnny has with this poseur is that about 85% of what he said sounded practiced and rehearsed. He just knew what to say and it sounded like he'd practiced it before or something.

Asshat.

Then there was this deal with the KJ. Dempsey somehow found one, this girl. Supposedly totally innocent. Huh? Anyway, they don't kill her when the have the chance. They come back and Uncle Remus tells Johnny that the KJ must have libertas, just like us. So maybe she's not evil and bad, that we should fight the Courts, not necessarily the individuals.

Damn it, but he made sense. It ain't gonna turn Johnny into some kinda pacifist, but damn it, Johnny figures we can't just go and slaughter them just because they are KJ.

Anyway, that putz Tom Jennings summons her to the warehouse. What a fuckin' idiot. Now she knows one of our gathering places. How Jennings has survived this long is beyond Johnny. People think Johnny is stupid, but Johnny really ain't. But Jennings, he might have some booksmarts, but fuckenaye is he stupid. So Barclay sees the girl, and so does Lauren and Johnny. So we go to attack 'er. Pam and Remus move to save her ass though, getting her out of the way. Joe turns into a big-ass fuckin' bird and starts pecking the shit out of her. Perez fuckin' threw IronJohn from about 30 feet away into Johnny's back and knocked Johnny down. And with that, Johnny was out of the chase. Don't know what happened after that other than Remus, Pam and the girl were gone and Joe, in the shape of the big-ass bird is flipping out, then sunk straight into the ground. Weird shit man.

And that wasn't enough. One of the chicks that did work for Gated Community Productions was apparently shot to death, gangland style. Not fuckin' cool. Not to worried about it personally, but it sucks and it might end up as bad publicity. Hopefully it wasn't some dumbfuck trying to get to Johnny.

Oh wait. That still wasn't enough. That Bonaducci guy, the one that does porn up in Promise, he's Cam but has been banned from LA for a few years now, comes up to Johnny as a representative of the justicars. Oh crap. He wants to get the Anarchs to work with and help out a big-ass Camarilla war party meant to take back San Diego. Wants Johnny to fly the idea out to the other Anarchs in the area. Supposedly the Anarchs would get a chunk of SD as our reward. But Johnny just don't trust the Cam and really ain't sure about any kind of war party.

Way too much happening, too many new faces...

Learning another trick...

So it was time to have Simon teach Johnny more about telling people what to do. You know, with that hoodoo voodoo that Ventrue are so good at.

The shit ain't so good on other licks; older fuckers just ignore the wooj. So not exactly useful on most of the Camarilla bastards.

But it was time to go to the next level and go beyond just a single word. So we go to this 18 and over club, called Tight. Supposed to mean cool, but we know what it's really describing, you know? But we go there because it's a place where creepy older fuckers like us ain't entirely welcome. They actually try to keep you out if you are over 25 or so. Plus, we're kinda creepy anyway. On top of it all, they are really damn strict about alcohol, 'cause they could lose their beer license if busted for serving one of the 18 year olds. So those girls come to dance and to hook up. Without the help of alcohol. Maybe that's why there aren't as many guys as girls there; they don't have the liquid help.

So we're there to see what Johnny can do with Simon's tricks, can't use any of the normal Brujah wooj or Johnny charm. The key is to look a girl in the eyes and tell her to lift her shirt and show off her tits. Simple, right? Pretend we are with Girls Gone Wild and get them to show their tits, using the wooj.

Actually, Johnny thinks the only reason Simon agreed to try this way out first was because he probably thought Johnny couldn't do it, at least not the first time out. Especially not when Johnny can't use the Charm, you know? Not exactly Simon's style and all. He probably would have prefered to see if Johnny could convince a business man to sign over his stocks or something, but, well, Johnny was quite motivated and that apparently means something when learning new tricks.

The first few chicks, Johnny had to use the charm to keep them from slapping Johnny and calling security. An hour in, chicks were flashing us like it was Mardi Gras or something. Simon got kind of uncomfortable with it all, maybe he was afraid we'd get caught or something, so we left at that point.

Johnny has been kinda playin' for the last week now with it, goin' to bars and pretending to hypnotize chicks and getting them to do things like bark like dogs, take off their tops, take off their panties in public, stuff like that. Juvenile as shit, yeah. But harmless and it's startin' to get old already. But that's another trick in Johnny's arsenal. Quite a few more to go.

WTF Gangrel?

Okay, what the hell is up with the Gangrel? They hang out mostly with each other, doing fuck knows what, maybe sniffing each other's asses or something. Joe Barclay is like, their messiah out here or something. Seriously, that dude is the king of the gangrel down here.

So anyway, they have this lick trick to be able to see in the dark. Makes the eyes glow red an' shit. Mighty useful trick if you ask Johnny. Especially with those god forsaken Lasombra asshats. But they won't teach it Johnny. Pam even said it would get Johnny killed. WTF?

So each clan has, like, three different kinds of tricks that are natural to them. Like us Brujah, we got strength, speed and charm. The Ventrue got charm, the ability to take damage, and the ability to tell other motherfuckers what to do. Now, the Gangrel, they got the damage thing too. They can also talk to animals. But they also got this other weird shit going on and they must all somehow link together. Like somehow, this seeing in the dark, plus their other tricks of, like, turning into animals and being able to turn their hands into claws must all, like, link together and shit. Now, Johnny could understand why maybe they want to keep some of those tricks to themselves. Like, the ability to turn into a wolf could be damn cool, but if everyone can do it, well hell, that makes the Gangrel a lot less special, you know?

But see, Johnny don't want to be able to turn into a fuckin' Dracula vampire bat. Johnny don't need claws when Johnny got fists of steel and blades that sharp. Johnny just wants to be able to see in the fuckin' dark. And neither Pam nor Joe will do it. Johnny just wants to be able to fight the Sabbat better, and the ability to see in the dark makes that a lot easier to do.

Johnny just don't get it.

The Month of June

What a weird month. Okay, so it starts off pretty cool with the LA Erotica Expo. Did a lot of business there, even if it did mean that Johnny missed the monthly Anarch rant. Whoops. Didn't mean to, but hey, when you're neck deep in tits and pussy, can you really be blamed? Really?

Brer Rabbit is still proving himself to be the biggest jackass this side of the fuckin' Rockies. Damn he's an asshat. He's an Anarch only because no one else wants him and we're kinda like the animal shelters, you know, we gotta take all the strays no matter how lame or ugly. And that's fuckin' Rabbit. Seriously, he's giving all fags a bad name.

Piers died. Or rather, was fuckin' murdered. Apparently Mister High and Mighty and Falutless, the Justicar Pascek, got together with Garrett Dannington and Jacen Pompeii and probably a few others, and they killed Piers. Now, they're saying that Piers had lost his heart and soul to the Settites. That those fuckers have some sort of evil wicked magic and shit. Now, Johnny can believe that based upon the other shit Johnny has heard. But they're sayin' there was no fuckin' hope, no way to save Piers. So they killed 'im. Bullshit. Complete and utter crap. There is always a way out. It ain't always obvious, it ain't always easy, death might actually be easier sometimes, but there is always a way out. Garret and Mister Faultless himself decided otherwise those. Bastards.

On the bright side, Piscin decided to hop in the Mystery Mobile and come visit us. She's this batshit crazy Malkavian Anarch. Looks like she got bit back during, like, the Summer of Love or something. Crazier than most Malks that Johnny has ever met. Really, really wants to help out the Movement though. And that's good enough for Johnny. A little, or even a lot, crazy ain't a bad thing in the Movement.

Fuck, the Tower thinks every Anarch is a least a little bit crazy anyway. Why not go for the gusto, eh?

Oh, and the beach pictures are in honor of it turning to summer. It's one of the things that Johnny misses the most; being able to go hang out on the beach, feel the warmth of the sun on your skin, watch the bikini babes parading up and down the beach...miss that shit man. Miss that.